Thankful this Thanksgiving

It's that time of the year! A time to stuff your face with all the home-cooked meals and not feel bad about it, the time of the year where you are obligated to cheat on your diet if you're on one, the time of the year to see the family you haven't seen since the last major holiday, the time of the year where you plan to attack any other shoppers without any guilt, but have we forgotten the real meaning of Thanksgiving, I mean, it's right there: THANKSgiving. For some reason, we have set a specific date of November 26th to be "thankful" for things in our lives, but shouldn't we be thankful for those things year round!? We also seem to forget some of the things we should be thankful for, we take so many things for granted, that when you truly sit down to think about everything in your life, you fully understand how grateful we actually are.

Here are a few things I am thankful for...

Obviously, my family. They are always there for me, but not because they have to (I mean they lowkey do have to) but because we are just so close. Literally. Maybe too close at times. But that's how it'll always be. They are all my best friends. And for that alone, I am thankful. Parents do things you never fully realize, you just kind of expect. Paying for things. Cooking for you. Laundry when you're home. Taking care of you when you're sick: a few weeks ago, I got terribly sick, my dad heard me from downstairs and hurried upstairs to check on me, but knowing I felt so awful, he layed in bed with me. I got sick again about 45 minutes later, the same thing happened but my mom heard me this time too, both of them came in my room to snuggle and brought me medicine and a cold pack until I was asleep again. I am almost 21 years old and they still cut my food when I ask (and I ask every time, of course). The last time I was home was Halloween (almost a month), and I thought they were going to croak over when I walked in the door... moments like this are ones that really bring you home. My sister and I have always been close as well, she is a little over 4 years older than me, but she has always been like a second mother to me. When we were younger, I decided I wanted to share a room with her instead... so bringing all of my things in at once, I barged in saying, "I'm moving in!", and without hesitation, she continued on her AIM chats and popped the trundle bed up for me and attached it to hers, basically making it one giant bed. I stayed in there for months! She moved into an apartment halfway through her college years, leaving me basically an only child, but when she was away, we kind of lost touch in my eyes, when she moved back things got better, then she got married, and now I feel as if we are closer than we have been. Slumber parties with her are the way to life.

Again, obviously I am thankful for my friends. I have always struggled with friends... not that I had trouble making friends, I had trouble having friends. I was always the type to let anyone and everyone step on me, I would apologize to them for something they did to me just so nobody would be mad at each other and I could keep those friends. But, like I have said before, they weren't actual friends, they wouldn't have done half of the things I did for them. Now I have found those true friends, a whole new set of friends and a few old friends, that truly fit the definition of a real friend. These types of friends see you at every stage in your life and every emotional state in your life, and for some reason continue to stick around. Not only do these people see the front you put on for everyone else, but they see the complete opposite side that you never open up. Not just anyone you can share that type of emotion with, and for that, I am truly happy that I can finally do with these select people. Growing up we thought the more friends we had, the better we were... no no, not even close. Yes, surround yourself with great people, no matter how many that consists of, but having those "right by your side" friendships, that's something that is irreplaceable. Whether they be 2 minutes away from you, 65 miles from you, or 10 states away from you. Whether you talk every day, every few weeks, or every few months. If you can continue these friendships with ease, that's when you have found the match.

My soulmate. Whether that be the man of my dreams that I have yet to meet, or the person/people in my life that are just apart of me that I truly would not be myself without. (Not that I'm going to get into the whole "love" conversation, yet... you'll learn I'm not the best lover of "love") I am thankful for those heartbreaks I have had. The little f-boys that didn't do a thing for me, yet still taught me little things, or the two very special guys in my life that truly broke me yet made me into the person I am today. I would never in a million years have any harsh feelings towards any of these guys, but they all have impacted me in some way, taught me things about myself or "relationships", and will always be connected to me. I am thankful that if I have a soulmate out there, that he is prepared for me (maturity wise, but also because I can be a piece of work...), that he is happy, that he is growing and learning about himself, that he is going for his dreams, and will collide with my path on the way there for me to support the rest of the way while he supports me the same. If he is not out there for me, I am thankful that he isn't. I never want to be one to settle just because it's expected (again, we will continue this conversation in a different post), I am more than happy on my own, I know myself and am growing, I know how to support myself, I am me. And being me, truly me, is what I have found to be one of the most special things to me that I am grateful for.

Morehead State University and my many jobs. I am so thankful to be able to go to a university that I love, and have always wanted to attend. That is my home. Nothing makes me feel more comfortable than the little town and campus of Morehead. It just clicks. I am obsessed with my major and my professors make it that much better, and of course the crazy group of students in my major that share every class with me, they all give me life. We are a mini family, I suppose. But to be able to attend college in general is something I am extremely grateful for, not having a student debt or worrying about not graduating on time or graduating at all, I am beyond blessed. I am also thankful for my jobs. I have always been a work freak, I love to work. I have had some of the best jobs with the best coworkers. I have experienced so many things through each job and learned things from each one that do and don't have to anything to do with the job description whatsoever. I am also thankful for my passions... though this isn't in the realm of school or work, I pray one day that it will be connected in some way. It is a blessing in disguise to me. Being able to indulge myself into these passions and clear my head from anything and everything, or to just have that time to myself doing something that makes me... me. One day, if and when I can turn these passions into work, that day will truly be a grateful day. I cannot wait!

Things that we take for granted that we should alllll be thankful for, are the things that we don't even notice. Breathing. Walking. Talking. Hearing. Seeing (even with glasses like myself). Smelling. Tasting. Touching. Writing. Reading. Honestly, I am thankful right now that I have strep/bronchitis... that means I am alive... that means that my body is working how it should and that it's now fighting off illness. I am thankful I am able to wake up each morning (or afternoon when I sleep in) and be able to do these things without a second thought. So many people out there have difficulties doing these things, but even then, they are doing it in some way, that is a blessing.

Last, but not least, and honestly, the most important. Best for last, I should say. God. I am so thankful that I was raised in a home where God was present. Where lessons were taught. Where God was the center. I had always been taught that God was my savior, do right by Him with your relationship with Him and you will enter into Heaven, what we were all taught, right? But it wasn't until I was 17 when I truly felt God near. When I heard Him speak the first time. I am a very distracted child of God, which isn't great, but honestly, most of us are. We have to learn and understand slowing down to listen to Him and learn. We get distracted by outside things... we fall more towards society than standing out. We don't listen to God when He speaks, then get mad when we need Him and He is silent. I have seen what it's like to live and walk with God, and I have also seen what being set off the path can do, as well. Yes, it is hard to stay on track all the time. But making a little change day by day and continuing to grow in your relationship with Him will make a complete difference in your life. That is what I am thankful for. That He can see how distracted I can get, forgive me for that, and continue to guide me and bless me with the things I have.  

Now that I have shared just a few of my most thankful things in life, this holiday season, when wearing your eating britches, stuffing your face, slashing shoppers, or just spending time with the family... truly think about the things you are thankful for. Learn what everyone else is thankful for. Throughout the year continue to do this. Continue to grow into the person you need to be, and be something that someone will be thankful for too.

See you soon!

Xoxo.

"What If..."

It's 10 am, I'm dancing around in my messy bun, oversized t-shirt, underwear, and tall socks in my one bedroom studio apartment near the city. Time to get ready for work as I put on my ripped jeans, blazer, Louboutins, and a Michael Kors bag and watch with my smokey eye makeup and nude lips, when I hear a knock on the door to see my Chuck Bass businessman boyfriend standing there in his work suit with a cup of white chocolate moca for me to start my day, leaving giving me his Daniel Grayson wink. I go to work at the high fashion and beauty company, walk into my all white and dark grey office, and begin my work in PR and/or Event Planning for the company itself. Phones ringing, planners packed, computer keys on fire from typing, and running back and forth to events or deals is how I spend my day. It's time to go back home, or to meet my Chuck Bass/Daniel Grayson boyfriend for a romantic dinner or a quiet night on the town, my night is ended with candles lit and a molten chocolate lava cake, of course. My life is a perfect little movie.

Okay okay okay, so maybe none of that was true, and maybe I went a little too far with the boyfriend or the Louboutins, but hey, it's my fantasy, right? But "what if" that were to happen. It's my dream, so why don't I go for exactly that?

I've always been too much of a dreamer to where I can't even grasp my own reality at times and live solely for what I want and expect my life to be like. I blame most of this on my tv shows I am always going to be committed to, Gossip Girl and Revenge (as you can tell by my boyfriend in the clip above. In some cases having this warped reality helps me to get over things in my actual reality, but sometimes it makes it harder to accept that those things I base my "life" on are not even remotely real. Yet. I am a firm believer on "if you want it, go for it" rather than "timing is everything" or "it will come to you if it is for you". You always hear people say "nothing is impossible", and you want to believe that but for some reason something holds you back. Yourself. You put it in your mind that you have to do something a certain way or that things are too big to go for or even just the fact that you should be "realistic"... that's what I always tell myself. It shouldn't be that way. "What if" has always been a term we have used: "What if" this would happen. "What if" I didn't do that. "What if" that were me. "What if". "What if". "What if". But why don't we turn those "what if's" into "I did". Savannah Chrisley (if you don't watch Chrisley Knows Best, you are highly missing out, they are my all time favorite family after the Kardashians, of course. Such a cute and humble southern family with zero filter, literally want their life too) posted this morning, "It's better to look back on life and say "I can't believe I did that", instead of looking back saying, "I wish I did that".". I completely agree with her post. Because it's true. Why would you want to go through life hoping and wishing you had the life you had dreamed about when you are fully capable of having exactly that. Like I had said before, in the book I was reading, "You are a Badass", Jen Sincero talks about how the only thing holding you back from being completely open and ready for life itself is your subconscious mind. It will tell you that something isn't right or isn't possible or worth it, when in reality, it's just because either something in your past told you it wasn't or you have never been exposed to it so you believe it's not real. This is ridiculous to me. Once I read this book, changed my lifestyle, and started living my own life, I truly believe things are possible for me. Sometimes I get discouraged with myself and drop those dreams like a hot rock, but I always pick them back up. That's when you know you want something. Yes, things may be harder to get by, but nothing will just come to you at ease, especially if it's something you want badly enough. That's the beauty in it. Working for things is definitely a process, but the achievement that you make is ultimately the icing on the cake. You worked for it. You earned it. You deserved it. People will always try to change your mind or bring you down, but if that's their purpose in your life, they shouldn't be apart of your life anyways. I'm telling you right now that you are capable of having what you want and will be beautiful working for it. Be passionate.

One of my biggest pet peeves includes when people get handed everything. Yes, I have been blessed with many things I never earned, but when it comes to things such as this, a career or lifestyle you dream of, I believe working for it is the satisfaction you should want to earn yourself. Have help alone the way, sure, but is it really that rewarding to just be given the world? Okay, I won't lie, if I had that opportunity, of course I would take it, but build upon that. Make it greater. Never have the "what if", keep succeeding.

So, my challenge for you, my readers, is to think this week about what your "what if's" have been, why they are "what if's" and figure out how to make that change into "I did" or "I will". Make a goal... write out every detail of what you want in that goal... make an objective within the next few weeks, few months, or few years... make a plan... set that plan... and start working towards it. Be specific.

God is always going to be your guide, trust in Him.

Have a wonderful and safe weekend, my dolls!

Xoxo.

Makeup/Motivation Monday!

"When you are putting on your makeup, it's like you're an artist. But instead of painting on a canvas, you're painting a face" -Burlesque.

Not only is that a quote from my favorite movie, but it is my favorite passion. I have become so interested and amazed with the power of makeup as an art as well as learning the techniques and differences in products... you become who you want to appear as. This goes along with clothing as well. Fashion is also one of my passions.

"How you present yourself is how you will be addressed."

Growing up, I never had a "hobby" or a "passion", yeah I cheered through school, but I didn't extend my career like most athletes... I was never into skateboarding, magic, excessive reading, video games... nothing. It started to really bother me to the point where it became a trigger of my depression. But I found my passion when college came around... out of nowhere, and it grew rapidly. I became obsessed. Fashion and makeup is all I could think of, it also turned out to be my safe haven when something was bothering me or when I just couldn't sleep or focus on anything else. So, I decided to hit full speed, because why wouldn't you when you truly love something? I decided to do my research, played around with what I had to teach myself, watch YouTube makeup artist videos (become obsessed with these artists to where I think they are my biffs, yeah..), threw all of my makeup away and got all new products (this made my boyfriend at the time furious, but you gotta do whatcha gotta do, right?). Some might think this is a silly passion, or it's not even a passion at all... but it's my motivation. I am aware that I'm not the best at what I do, but I'm working towards it. I am still learning, I will always be learning and that excites me! I care about what I wear, I care about how I appear, not for other's opinions, but for my personal satisfaction. I get made fun of for dressing up everyday to my college classes or wearing a full face of makeup everyday or being a devoted reader of my fashion magazines; cutting articles and photography out or having Pinterest board full of my fashion fantasies, but through this I've realized that this is what I want to fully do in life. They always say "make a career out of something you love and you'll never work a day in your life", so here I come!

If you find something you love, go for it! Who caresssss about what people think, who caresssss if you believe it's far fetched, nothing is far fetched if you really set your mind to it. You can always do anything you truly want to. I am a firm believer of this. Find out how to get there and focus on only that. People always ask why I'm single or they are confused when I say I'm not interested in looking for a partner or even want one, it's because of this reason alone... I am finally focused on me, getting to where I want to be, and not stopping until I get there. I'm bad about putting too much into others and only depending on them for happiness or success, let me tell you right now, you do notttt need someone to provide happiness or help reach success for you, you are a strong individual with a great head on your shoulders- make yourself happy and go for whatever it is in life, don't go looking for someone, once you are on the right track and making progress, the perfect person for you will just appear! This is something I also truly believe in. Haven't found your passion yet? That's completely fine too, it'll come to you, but you have to get out there- try new things- explore outside of your cell phone or laptop- be content with yourself- FIND YOURSELF and LOVE YOURSELF!!! If you can't love yourself, no one else can. Surround yourself with *positive people, negativity is such a toxic factor that will instantly pull and tug at you no matter if you fall into it or not.

I want to give a shoutout to the people who have supported me so much through this and motivated me to follow it and to truly become myself, stay myself, and grow into who I want/need to be; my wonderful parents, my amazing sister, my roommate and bestfriend Aubry Prow, my bestfriend and motivator Kayla Ray (www.glitternsweettea.com), my hometown bestfriends Alli Rogers and Genevieve Nuon, and of course my makeup artist idols; Jaclyn Hill, Manny, and Casey Holmes for teaching me that makeup is an art and to always be yourself no matter what the case and to follow your dreams because there is a way. (and to Cameron Dallas and Justin Bieber for being my lovely boyfriends keeping me happy with their existence and distracting me from reality..... same).

Have a great week, lovelies, make this week YOUR week.

See you tomorrow, maybe?

Xoxo.

...

I know I have been absent for a while, maybe not as long as I should be away honestly, but then again maybe writing will help...

I've been lost. No, not physically lost to where I don't know my location, but mentally and emotionally lost to where I don't know where I stand in this moment. This isn't the first time I've been "lost", but I was starting to believe I was finally "found". I had found who I am (or wanted to be), I had surrounded myself with positive people, I found passion and happiness from something other than a person, I was content, I was successfully moving forward... or so I thought. Was this all just fake, a mask? Was I leading myself to think I was better than I was? Or was it just too much at once? Things are fuzzy. Things are dark. Things are cold. Things are just... not there. Nothing specific sparks these changes, but all of a sudden it hits like a cemi, and that's what has overcome me. I truly don't have anything to be upset over or that would truly hurt me, I am sooo thankful for the things I have in life. God has blessed me. Yet I still seem to be blinded at times.

I got a stomach bug last weekend that made me feel miserable. I was home with my family when this illness struck, but I began to feel anxiety from being home instead of back at school in case I did start to feel better for classes. Of course, when I got back to school, I felt content again... until the illness struck again... That's when the dark cloud came over me. As I was sitting on the bathroom floor, on the phone with my Mama, tears were flooding from my eyes. I felt alone. I didn't want to be sick by myself without their help, without anyone's help. Even if I wasn't sick, I was just alone... even when i wasn't. This dark cloud hovering over me became a person sitting with me on that bathroom floor. All I could hear was it talking to me... telling me how alone I am, showing me I'm worthless, replaying my mistakes, informing me that I in fact don't have my life together like my warped reality thinks I do- and yes I do have a warped reality, reminding me that I'm not who I think I am, comparing me to so many others, and pressuring me to self harm. Why was I allowing this evil to come over me? Screaming and crying to God to be with me, protect me, heal me, and mask this voice, I was still distracted. He sent people in form of Him; my best friend texting me from home and my roommate knocking on the door until I answered then holding me she came in, but I couldn't let them in all the way. I couldn't be negative to anyone else to vent or seek help. I tried to laugh, listen to music, do anything to clear this hate, but something wouldn't let me. Finally, I went outside to sit on the porch getting some fresh air, thoughts still rolling in my mind, at some point I fell asleep.

The next day, I told myself to shape up. Why am I being this. I'm ridiculous. This is exactly who I was getting away from during my change. I dressed up, put my heels on, took time on my makeup, and was set for the day. Did this help? Eh, more like made it worse... I was faking it, I was putting pressure on myself to not show or feel pain... I ultimately became numb instantly. The shadow followed me wherever I went. I must have faked it quite well, considering almost everyone around me couldn't see my hurt and complained that I wasn't giving them the attention and conversations that I should be giving. I did have the two or three that saw through my front and continued to bring me strength, but I couldn't stand back up... can't stand back up. I have always been one to cater to everyone else's needs before my own, but of course, my "queen" side took over for a while saying I wouldn't be walked all over and my happiness would be priority... unfortunately that never set in all the way. Am I being selfish for wanting to heal myself on my own and own time? Am I being selfish for wanting to detach for a little while? Am I selfish for wanting to be my own priority?

Music has always been my healer, I put myself in the artist's position but also connect it to my own life. The song of the week that seems to help me in this situation is from the *love of my life, Justin Bieber's I'll Show You. As I was sitting on that cold bathroom floor, the words were flowing through my veins. I know I'm not perfect, and no one expects me to be, other than myself... I compare and strive to be better... but the stress knocks me back down. I'm a careless perfectionist. I make myself straighten up so no one knows that I'm hurting or out of the norm, but hiding hurts more than facing the pain when it comes at you... don't ignore it, conquer it.

I'm not writing this to vent at you, like I said, I hate people knowing I'm out of the norm or being negative... I'm explaining why I haven't been active. I do wish any of you who suffer from this, or anything near it, realize that it is okay to relapse if you need to. You won't know how long it will last, or what the conditions may be, but this won't make you weak. I am still learning this and trying to understand it. I am always here if someone, anyone, needs me, I may not know exactly how to fix things for other people, but I do know how to be your company. Please don't hesitate. We are in this together.

Sorry for the dark post, trust me, the next ones won't be this way. Stay tuned!

Xoxo.

My life is a movie
And everyone's watchin'
So let's get to the good part
And past all the nonsense

Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing
When the pressure's coming down like lightning
It's like they want me to be perfect
When they don't even know that I'm hurting

This life's not easy
I'm not made out of steel
Don't forget that I'm human
Don't forget that I'm real
You act like you know me
But you never will
But that's one thing that I know for sure

Source: http://www.directlyrics.com/justin-bieber-ill-show-you-lyrics.html

I'll Show You; Justin Bieber

My life is a movie
And everyone's watchin'
So let's get to the good part
And past all the nonsense

Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing
When the pressure's coming down like lightning
It's like they want me to be perfect
When they don't even know that I'm hurting

This life's not easy
I'm not made out of steel
Don't forget that I'm human
Don't forget that I'm real
You act like you know me
But you never will
But that's one thing that I know for sure

Source: http://www.directlyrics.com/justin-bieber-ill-show-you-lyrics.html

My life is a movie, and everyone's watching. So let's get to the good part, and past all the nonsense. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing when the pressures coming down like lightning. It's like they want me to be perfect when they don't even know that I'm hurting. This life's not easy, I'm not made out of steel. Don't forget that I'm human, don't forget that I'm real. Act like you know me, but you never will, but that's one thing that I know forsure.. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you...

I gotta learn things, learn them the hard way. to see what it feels like no matter what they say. Sometimes its hard to do the right thing when the pressures coming down like lightning. It's like they want me to be perfect when they don't even know that I'm hurting. This s not easy, I'm not made out of steel. Don't forget that I'm human, don't forget that I'm real. Act like you know me, but you never will, but that's one thing that I know forsure... I'll show you, I'll show you, I'll show you, I'll show you.