I know I have been absent for a while, maybe not as long as I should be away honestly, but then again maybe writing will help...
I've been lost. No, not physically lost to where I don't know my location, but mentally and emotionally lost to where I don't know where I stand in this moment. This isn't the first time I've been "lost", but I was starting to believe I was finally "found". I had found who I am (or wanted to be), I had surrounded myself with positive people, I found passion and happiness from something other than a person, I was content, I was successfully moving forward... or so I thought. Was this all just fake, a mask? Was I leading myself to think I was better than I was? Or was it just too much at once? Things are fuzzy. Things are dark. Things are cold. Things are just... not there. Nothing specific sparks these changes, but all of a sudden it hits like a cemi, and that's what has overcome me. I truly don't have anything to be upset over or that would truly hurt me, I am sooo thankful for the things I have in life. God has blessed me. Yet I still seem to be blinded at times.
I got a stomach bug last weekend that made me feel miserable. I was home with my family when this illness struck, but I began to feel anxiety from being home instead of back at school in case I did start to feel better for classes. Of course, when I got back to school, I felt content again... until the illness struck again... That's when the dark cloud came over me. As I was sitting on the bathroom floor, on the phone with my Mama, tears were flooding from my eyes. I felt alone. I didn't want to be sick by myself without their help, without anyone's help. Even if I wasn't sick, I was just alone... even when i wasn't. This dark cloud hovering over me became a person sitting with me on that bathroom floor. All I could hear was it talking to me... telling me how alone I am, showing me I'm worthless, replaying my mistakes, informing me that I in fact don't have my life together like my warped reality thinks I do- and yes I do have a warped reality, reminding me that I'm not who I think I am, comparing me to so many others, and pressuring me to self harm. Why was I allowing this evil to come over me? Screaming and crying to God to be with me, protect me, heal me, and mask this voice, I was still distracted. He sent people in form of Him; my best friend texting me from home and my roommate knocking on the door until I answered then holding me she came in, but I couldn't let them in all the way. I couldn't be negative to anyone else to vent or seek help. I tried to laugh, listen to music, do anything to clear this hate, but something wouldn't let me. Finally, I went outside to sit on the porch getting some fresh air, thoughts still rolling in my mind, at some point I fell asleep.
The next day, I told myself to shape up. Why am I being this. I'm ridiculous. This is exactly who I was getting away from during my change. I dressed up, put my heels on, took time on my makeup, and was set for the day. Did this help? Eh, more like made it worse... I was faking it, I was putting pressure on myself to not show or feel pain... I ultimately became numb instantly. The shadow followed me wherever I went. I must have faked it quite well, considering almost everyone around me couldn't see my hurt and complained that I wasn't giving them the attention and conversations that I should be giving. I did have the two or three that saw through my front and continued to bring me strength, but I couldn't stand back up... can't stand back up. I have always been one to cater to everyone else's needs before my own, but of course, my "queen" side took over for a while saying I wouldn't be walked all over and my happiness would be priority... unfortunately that never set in all the way. Am I being selfish for wanting to heal myself on my own and own time? Am I being selfish for wanting to detach for a little while? Am I selfish for wanting to be my own priority?
Music has always been my healer, I put myself in the artist's position but also connect it to my own life. The song of the week that seems to help me in this situation is from the *love of my life, Justin Bieber's I'll Show You. As I was sitting on that cold bathroom floor, the words were flowing through my veins. I know I'm not perfect, and no one expects me to be, other than myself... I compare and strive to be better... but the stress knocks me back down. I'm a careless perfectionist. I make myself straighten up so no one knows that I'm hurting or out of the norm, but hiding hurts more than facing the pain when it comes at you... don't ignore it, conquer it.
I'm not writing this to vent at you, like I said, I hate people knowing I'm out of the norm or being negative... I'm explaining why I haven't been active. I do wish any of you who suffer from this, or anything near it, realize that it is okay to relapse if you need to. You won't know how long it will last, or what the conditions may be, but this won't make you weak. I am still learning this and trying to understand it. I am always here if someone, anyone, needs me, I may not know exactly how to fix things for other people, but I do know how to be your company. Please don't hesitate. We are in this together.
Sorry for the dark post, trust me, the next ones won't be this way. Stay tuned!
Xoxo.
I'll Show You; Justin Bieber
My life is a movie, and everyone's watching. So let's get to the good part, and past all the nonsense. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing when the pressures coming down like lightning. It's like they want me to be perfect when they don't even know that I'm hurting. This life's not easy, I'm not made out of steel. Don't forget that I'm human, don't forget that I'm real. Act like you know me, but you never will, but that's one thing that I know forsure.. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you...
I gotta learn things, learn them the hard way. to see what it feels like no matter what they say. Sometimes its hard to do the right thing when the pressures coming down like lightning. It's like they want me to be perfect when they don't even know that I'm hurting. This s not easy, I'm not made out of steel. Don't forget that I'm human, don't forget that I'm real. Act like you know me, but you never will, but that's one thing that I know forsure... I'll show you, I'll show you, I'll show you, I'll show you.
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