NYX Review!

Just wanted to post a small post today with just a review!

So, today, I had a $3.50 off coupon for Ulta... which considering that doesn't help hardly at all, it HAS to be used, right?! Plus, it gives an excuse to buy more makeup, of course ;)

After looking at what all it excluded, (which was basically everything in the store and more...) I saw that NYX wasn't on the excluded list. I adore NYX, it is such a greatly priced brand that is greatly overlooked, just like ELF. I had in my mind to go in and get a new brush from Real Techniques, but when I saw the NYX isle, I had to at least look. The first thing that caught my eye was this new liquid eyeliner: "The Curve". As all of us makeup freaks do, I practiced a wing on my hand before actually buying it while I walked around day dreaming about all of the other products in the store... my hand wing was like sharpie... I tried to wipe it off, no no. I even went over to the IT Cosmetics station and tried their curve liner next to the NYX on my hand and they were so similar, it was ridiculous.

I made my decision.

NYX was me.

Usually NYX doesn't go over $10, though this was $14, it was definitely worth it. I'm obsessed already! The application was a lot easier than I imagined with the new way to hold the pen. As you can see, your hand will just automatically fit in the curve to have a straight way to the eye lid. It will take a few tries to get it right, but once you do, there's no going back!

I'm so happy with this liner and will recommend it to anyone and everyone! Great price. Great product. Great wing.

Btw: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Make your resolutions, keep them, conquer them. This is not only a new year, but it can be YOUR year if you are motivated and dedicated enough. I am here for anyone with anything. I am definitely sticking to my New Years resolutions, though they may be drastic, the stronger- the better!

Be safe, but don't forget to slay and have fun! :)

Xoxo.

A Prayer for 2016

Father in Heaven,

I want to start off by first thanking You for all that You have done in my life, and thank You especially for 2015. It definitely was a year. I know I take so much for granted and try my hardest to take full control over my life instead of trusting You and handing You the pen to my story. I officially hand You the pen as 2016 comes ringing in.

Forgive me, Father, for all of the sins that have filled my soul. Forgive me for knowing better but still choosing the wrong decision anyway. I know I am not perfect, nor will I ever be or even attempt to be, but know I do understand my actions and my consequences, even if I don't think about them at the time. I pray that You wash me clean from them. Forgive me for my past sins and the sins I will commit in the future.

You have blessed me so many times in my lifetime and continue to bless me on the daily basis. I pray You continue to guide me on this path that You have paved out for me. You have recently released me onto this path and though I am still shaky, I know You are walking right there beside me. You have broken me down and rebuilt me, for that I am forever grateful. I never understood what You were doing in my life, I will never understand what You do in my life, but it is truly an amazing work of art that You are painting in my view. I cannot wait to see where this path takes me in the near and/or distant future. You are a masterpiece.

I pray that in 2016 You help me to continuing growing into this person You have taken the mask off to uncover that I can finally call: "myself". You have helped me find myself and claim myself as someone I am happy to be and enjoy being. You have created this new personality, new mindset, new view, new attitude, new person... I can never thank You enough for being by my side throughout this uncovering and discovering. I was a complete mess in 2015, so much had occurred, but You never left my side even if I tried to push You away. Forgive me for being so hard headed and immature when it came to letting You in or coming to ou first instead. I never doubted You, nor will I ever doubt You, that is not the case... there isn't an excuse for my darkness and selfishness.

I pray You fill me with passion, determination, motivation, courage, and confidence in 2016. You have helped me to set my goals and see my dreams, I can already feel You fitting them into reality. I am so excited to see where these opportunities You have shown me will lead. I know I will be difficult in this process... I will get discouraged, I will think it's too much, I will overthink and even try to give up, but I pray that You keep me on track, no matter how stubborn I get. Maybe things won't work out, that is fine, it will teach me and prepare me for other things... that, I have to remember. You have a plan and I will stick to that.

I pray You continue to grow in me and speak not only to me, but through me to those in need. I know I have been more to myself these past few months when only thinking of myself while finding myself, but now that I am who You need me to be, or to start being, I now ask that I can inspire others the way that some have inspired me. Use me for You. Wherever, whenever, however. I will question if it is truly You speaking or not, I will ask for more signs, I apologize for that, but I want to be sure it is from You and not what I would want You to say. That is a difficulty I will always have and I ask that You help me in that, as well.

I am not praying for love this year. Honestly, I pray for no love this year. You have shown me love and You have taken it away from me, and I thank You for that. Again, I didn't realize it at the time what You were doing, but now that I do, I pray that you keep my mind open. Forgive me for not fully believing in the same kind of "love" that I'm supposed to or that is out there, but remind me that it is a possibility. I pray that You take me where I need to go, wherever that may be- settle me into the place You have set out for me, whatever that may be- and when I am ready will You give me the opportunity of a partner if that is what You have in store. If he is out there by chance, I ask that You are preparing him for me, but also preparing me for him. I pray that You not only guide us as individuals, but guide us as a pair as well, even if we aren't together yet.  

I know I have distanced myself maybe a little too far from people these past few months, in my mindset, if they aren't contributing to my growth that You have planted inside of me then I shouldn't continue to strive for a friendship that is only one sided. I pray in 2016, You show me who my true friends are... allow me to create new friendships, the ones that will truly last a lifetime. Open the doors to a new set of people whether it be at school, outside of class, at a workplace, or even just at random. I know I have never been good a friendships, but I pray that You bring me the right people to grow with. Surrounding myself with positive pearls.

I know this is a lot to pray for, and I know there will be a lot more to pray for, but entering into 2016, I want to start my year off right. I know so many people say "new year, new me" or "this year will be my year", but that is not the case for me... I want a new year, finally me, this is my year. Like I said, Father, I can already see You guiding me into the direction I have always dreamed, and even if You aren't, You are preparing me for the plan that You have made for me. I trust You. This is going to be an amazing journey and I cannot believe it is already here. Forgive me for my sins as the new year begins and I pray to be filled with freshness as we walk along this road.

In Your name I pray,

Amen.

My Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!!!! I hope it wasn't anything short of AMAZING! I know Christmas is a time for Santa, snow (except this year it was 70 degrees..... wow), family, food, and presents... I pray you all didn't look over the real reason of Christmas, which is about our Lord.

Though the days leading up to today have been overwhelming and stressful due to working two jobs every day while still trying to get everyone's gifts prepared and have time to actually sleep still getting over this illness, I genuinely enjoyed my holiday! I was able to spend time with my mom's side of the family on Wednesday night after work: the traditional dinner we have, games, and presents. Christmas Eve was a hot mess: work job #1, straight to job #2, straight to Christmas Eve Candle Light service at church (my absolute favorite), then my two grandmothers came to my house along with my sister and her husband to have finger foods. Once my grandmothers left, my immediate family exchanged parts of our gifts then watched The Santa Clause, of course, it's tradition! That leads us today, Christmas Day! My sister and her husband came back over because....... Santa came!! Yay!! We then all got ready and went up to my dad's side of the family for our traditional celebration there. It was so nice seeing both sides of the family, we all live such busy lives and live in different places, but I love being able to see them and enjoy the holidays with them! I hope you were able to do the same, family is such a blessing in disguise.

Now to the presents!! I was extremely blessed, as always, with the gifts I received. I take so much for granted and do not deserve any of the things I have, but I am so so thankful. My family knows me like a book, and of course spoiled me with things that fit me perfectly.

Photo #1: My sister got me the Simple Southern 1/3 zip navy, green, and pink pullover with elbow patches. I've never had anything with elbow patches before, too adorable. My mother then got me the Simply Southern navy, green, and pink long sleeved t-shirt to match, along with a SS air freshener for my car. I am absolutely obsessed with the jeep on the back of the t-shirt, maybe one day it will be mine... wishful thinking. Gotta love my southern stuff!

Photo #2: "In Case Of Emergency, Save The Shoes!" .... if this isn't me, I don't know what is. My sassy mother was spot on when she gave this to me. That's all I have to say about that one.

Photo #3: *had to hang it up to show the full effect* Black plush Adam Levine high-low cardigan. It's like putting on a cloud, so comfortable! This could easily be dressed up or down.

Photo #4: Though I couldn't get the full effect in the photo laying down or hanging up, this is a black and white tribal designed high-low tank. I usually am not a tank top type of person, I have to wear a jacket with it no matter what, but this one I can make an exception. It fits so perfectly and is such a soft material.

Photo #5: A casual white blouse with two pockets on each side of the chest, three-quarter length roll up sleeve, with a black and white simple infinity scarf! Perfect for one of my jobs. 

Photo #6: Okay, if you haven't seen Hayden Panettiere's Fabric Of Our Lives commercial where she is dancing around on the back of a truck bed at a bonfire in the crazy cute cardigan, you need to. I have been dying over a cardigan like that since the commercial aired, but never could find one. Opening this was the closest thing I have found to match it! Though she didn't have one with the fur, mine now tops hers. Funny thing is, Mama said on her shopping list for me, she wrote: "HP cardigan".... twins.

Photo #7: You may or may not know this yet about me, but the Hamsa is a big part of who I am... if you do not know what a Hamsa is, it symbolizes the hand of God protecting you from the evil eye. I have so many Hamsa things such as earrings, necklace, phone case, and now something to put on my desk. My sister bought this for me, which made is that much more special. I cannot wait to have my own desk at my future career and have this on there to remind me how blessed I am.

Photo #8: Mmmm, my favorite. Yankee Candle neutralizing beads in Midsummer's Night. I love candles, but these beads give off such a stronger scent that you don't have to remember to light or blow out. Midsummer's Night reminds me of Black Ice car fresheners (that I usually stock up on until I just got my SS one!). If you don't know what either smell like, my family says it smells like men's deodorant or cologne... oh well.

Photo #9: Again, shoes. Nothing can go wrong when dealing with shoes. This is a mini calendar full of fierce shoes and quotes from different designers. I actually picked this out myself just seeing the front of it, but once I looked at each month's photo, I didn't realize the quotes would be included. Cannot wait to start 2016 off right with this inspiration!

Photo #10: Yay, undies! I am usually a 7 for $27 gal, but Mommy got me these seamless Jessica Simpson undies that feel the exact same as VS. Don't worry, PINK, I'll be there next month, but a girl can never have enough cute undies. I also got these precious leg warmers, a soft grey with a beige frill on top that can be worn either side up.

Photo #11: Talk about a diva! These black and jaguar gloves are to die for. As we all know, the right type of glove is hard to find, but these lovelies fit just right and have just enough sass for the winter. Jaguar is also a way of life...

Photo #12: The one thing I actually asked for: a new flat iron straightener. Just like the rest of us, I somehow got roped into sitting in the kiosk chair at the mall while having someone play with my hair and the straightener... I actually fell in love with that straightener but couldn't bring myself to buy it. This is the same brand, but a step up from the one they used on my hair. HerStyler: Super Styler. Used it this morning, works like a charm.

Photo #13: Now this is a story... I almost always buy my purses at Charming Charlie's, they are great quality for no more than $35 each. One day while shopping there with my sister and mother, I fell in love with this bag... and when I say fell in love, I FELL IN LOVE. While everyone else bought things for themselves, I never bought the bag. When we went to the next shop, I decided I had to go back and buy this daggon purse, if not I would regret it, I would never be able to find one similar to it. Mama talked me out of it, but I still never got that bag out of my mind....... but what did I open on Christmas morning.... THE CHARMING CHARLIE'S LOVE OF MY LIFE. A pewter color base with creamy tan handles, along with an adorable lock accent. The long handle with the silver chain can be taken on or off, I decided to keep it on even if I never use it that way just because it makes the purse that much more classy.

Photo #14: Heels are a dream come true no matter what form. These are flawless black and white designed Christian Siriano's with a wooden heel, from Project Runway. I can't handle the design.

Photo #15: Again, you can never have enough heels. These are American Eagle brand, light brown, with an average sized heel/wedge with an open back. I have never had open backed heels before, so I am super excited to try these out. They will be perfect for next fall!

Photo #16: With the money I got from my Nannie for Christmas, I finallllllllly got my hands on Becca & Jaclyn Hill's Champagne Pop highlight... it is everything I imagined it would be and more! I knew it was going to be life changing, but now my dream has became reality by wearing it. I also got the Sephora perfect liquid foundation in the shade light/neutral 22... I kept going back and forth between this and Too Faced's Born This Way foundation, but a good friend of mine works at Sephora and recommended this foundation. I didn't even look at Born This Way. I am actually really pleased with the coverage and the texture of it. I would also recommend this to someone who wants a medium to full coverage but doesn't want to spend a whole whole lot, this was only $20! Sephora's personal brand gets looked over so much, yet their products are easily some of my favorites. When I went to check this out, on the counter were several different face masks, so of course I was eager to get one. The one I chose was the toning mask. Cannot wait to have a day off, stay in my PJs all day, watching a movie marathon with some coffee and cake, while soaking in this mask!

I also got 2 Starbucks gift cards from my boss and my aunt! Yummmm.

Photo #17: Last, but definitely not least, and probably the best: my amazingly crafted mother made me a mermaid fin snuggie blanket. How she did this, I will never understand, but in all honesty, I cried my eyes out when I opened it, don't ask me why... She did such a wonderful job making this and the fact that she did make it is so incredibly special to me. She took so much time to work on this for me and that she actually thought of me to being creating it in the first place is such an honor. Homemade gifts are taken for granted, but to me, homemade gifts are so much more valuable than anything else in the world. This was my favorite gift of the season. It is official, I am now an actual mermaid!!

*things not in photos: money, Justin Bieber's Purpose CD, L.A. Colors red gel polish, a journal with a Ghandi quote on the cover (love him), socks, and candy. My mom also ordered a mermaid necklace with a pearl that hasn't come in yet, cannot wait to wear it!!

Again, I hope each and every one of you had a great holiday with family no matter what you celebrate. If I don't talk to you before then, have a great and safe New Years! 2016 is just a week away!!!

Xoxo.

A letter to...

My best friend sent me a link to "an open letter to my best friend's future husband", so I decided to make my own rendition of this letter, but to her future husband...

Dear you,

I have probably waited for you just as long, if not longer than she has... so this letter has been a long time coming. Whether you've been around the entire time or if you came into our lives down the road, you have definitely been the topic of most of our conversations for majority of our friendship and will be a main topic for the rest of our lives. She has dreamed of you all of her life, I have dreamed of you since she came into mine. We have talked about anything and everything when it comes to you from the way your hair is parted to the annoying habits you have or the sweet things you say. Don't worry, your secrets are safe with me, because let's be honest, she can't not tell me, right? If you didn't know, you do now. We talk about EVERYTHING when it comes to you, trust me. We don't necessarily "judge" you, but be aware of what you do, my friend. I know you know what you're getting yourself into when it comes to her, but there's things you may not know. The love of your life is also the love of my life. She will always be my top priority, whether you and I get along or not, I will always be around. I know you think you may know her like a book, but there is nobody in this world that knows her better than I do. She can be opinionated, she is competitive, she is the life of the party but know she needs time to herself too, she has such a kind heart, she is sensitive whether she shows it or not, but she is so strong whether she knows it or not. Nothing gets past her so don't try, trust me, her and I together can dig up anything. She is definitely one in a million, so you are lucky she let you in... keep her. I know she will show you a new side of life, and I pray that you do the same for her. Remind her she is beautiful, never stop showing her you care, surprise her, show your support even if you don't understand the situation, agree with her because we both know she will get her way anyways. Out of all the advice I can give you, the one thing I ask of you is that you never give up on her love. She is a tough soul and she has opened up to you, that isn't something that is easy for her, she has had a past, so respect her and love her more each day. You may not have believed me when I said I've waited for you as well, but it's true. She was mine before she was yours, I've seen every side of her and I know how much she already loves you whether you are present in our lives or not, she deserves this happiness and love, and I am so blessed that she found that in you. I may be bitter that I have to share my best friend, and I will need my fair share, but if you mean that much to her, you mean that much to me. Thank you for finding her and sweeping her off her feet.

Best wishes,

Macy Jo

Xoxo.

Soulmates: myth or majestic?

Everyone hears about finding your "soulmate" or having a "person" (which is the same thing from what it sounds), but are soulmates even a true compatibility anymore or has society just taught our generation that in order to be happy we must rely on someone else to bring that joy into our lives and continue to walk through life with them. This can be a very touchy subject for some, but it is one my biggest pet peeves. I am still young and there is so much for me to learn, but I have already learned more than I would have guessed at this age and have been taught things by my family growing up, as well.

What is a soulmate? A soulmate is the love of your life. Someone you can always turn to. Someone you can't live without, and if you do have to live without them, you always seem to have the exact same feeling every time their name is even mentioned. You are drawn to each other. You can sit in a silent room with each other and be more than content. You can be a crowded room and only feel like it's only the two of you. You can tell your deepest thoughts to and your biggest dreams. You can you, highs and lows. Someone you can spend every day for the rest of your life with and grow happier and more in love each day leading to that. The "movies" type situations that you always drooled over, but in real life.

As you guys have already learned, I was in a pretty major relationship for almost 4 years that I truly believed the guy was my "soulmate"... why did I think he was the "one"? Because it was there, it was safe. We grew up together since we were children, we had similar interests, we could be ourselves with not only each other but each other's families, we worked together, we went to school together, we came home together, we were always around. His laugh was my favorite sound. His eyes lit up the room. He was my backbone. He was my best friend. We were... us. You couldn't say one of our names without the other's following. I would have done anything for him, and still would, but growing up, things change... people change... situations change. We would fight like cats and dogs, but at the end of the day, our "love" couldn't tear us apart. We broke up 3 times, and for some reason, we always gravitated back towards each other.. fate? soulmates? comfort? love? I would have adored for this guy to be what people call their "soulmate" to live the rest of my life with like we had planned at this young age with the ring he gave me and all, but reality set in, and set in fast. College set in. We went to separate schools. Though we did try to make the distance work... we grew up, but we grew into totally different people than we were the year before when we were with each other. We found ourselves, but unfortunately we found ourselves away from each other. Now it's hard to see him as the same person I spent a big part of my life with. Losing him was one of the hardest things I'll ever have to deal with *hopefully, but losing him also taught me how to love myself. This is one thing I never knew how to do. This also taught me that "soulmates" don't have to be a necessity. I learned how to move forward and be happy doing it. To all of my friends who ask me for advice about their ex, or getting the person they want, or even just what they should do in a situation with their partner, this one is for you all...:

Relationships are not a necessity. Love can happen, it probably will happen, but let it happen on it's own. If you want something/someone, sure, go for it! But if you get shut down, cool, at least you tried. If you get broken up with, move forward, they obviously left you for a reason for themselves, don't give them the benefit to come in and out of your life whenever they choose... they are going to move on and you're going to kick yourself for it, but it's truly nothing you can do about it, if you want it- go for it- try to get them back- but don't you dare let them control you whenever they feel the need. Don't continue to try to prove to them, they aren't listening. They will realize one day, and you won't be there... that's on them. They can't be worth that hurt to continue to drag yourself down just to get their attention. Karma will come if it is needed, let it take it's toll. Never talk badly about an ex, at one point they were your world, and deep down they still might be, but never disrespect them because they weren't the one for you. You don't have to be with someone in order to be happy, be happy with yourself. Trust me, it's possible. Our generation believes that you have to have someone by your side at all times in order to live life to the fullest or find the "one" as soon as you can. You don't. You can't. You shouldn't. You shouldn't have to depend solely on someone else for your life, and honestly, that is what so many people have be accustomed to do. Break this chain! Find something you love to do, be you/be that and focus on nothing but that. I always wonder if I will be able to find that type of love again that I described before, if I even wanted to, if I had such a strong love and it wasn't lasting- then what is in store?... and still debating it, I realized, I am in absolutely no rush to even try to find it. For some reason, people are confused by this. They don't understand what it is like to be alone because they have never done it, they won't do it. But for me, I have so many things I want to do in my life, that I want to see, that I want to accomplish, and yes I could do these things with a man by my side, but until God brings him to me, I can accomplish this by myself. I love being alone. You don't have rules or obligations. You learn so much about yourself, but also what else life offers. You get so hung up in someone that you don't realize what is actually going on inside or outside of the other person. Timing is a key factor... be patient. Be alone. Find happiness.

What is happiness? Happiness is something you throw yourself into, you lose yourself in, you find yourself in. The warm feeling in your heart. It could last for two seconds or 20+ years, it could be something silly like getting a new phone or it could be something major like landing your dream job. It could be the person you find in life, but you also have to know when to give/take that happiness or when to keep it for yourself alone.

Ultimately, I feel as if "soulmates" are out there for every one, whether you are lucky enough to meet them, keep them, or even lose them, is the question. Be patient. Find yourself first. Learn about what you need in life and need in a partner... don't settle just because you feel like you have to. Society shouldn't tell you what you have to do in life or with someone. We are young! Live your life! Be alone while you can. I am stubborn enough to drag this out as long as I can, but only because I know my worth and will not settle for anything less than I want, need, or deserve... I am happy with myself and growing in myself because I finally learned how. Once you learn about yourself and how to love yourself, you won't even begin to think of a relationship either. Be confident, be patient, but be trusting. Go out and enjoy, but never lose sense of who you are. I believe in you!

Xoxo. 

Makeupppp

Hello, lovelies!! It's my first full day of break, and of course having a day off from work while I am home and running back and forth to the doctors office, I decided to do my first full face makeup tutorial! I was a chicken to do a video, so step by step photos will have to do for now!

Check out my new Instagram page and follow me!: moreissuesthanvogueblogs

Let's get started, shall we?!

Step 1: primer. I used Hard Candy's Sheer Envy primer. This is a very thin primer that goes on kind of oily but dries matte. I do like this primer, but it's time to switch it up and get out of the drugstore.

Step 2: foundation! I actually mixed Elf's Flawless Finish (sand) and Loreal's True Match Lumi (cool, C4 beige) to get a combined look... I used to be obsessed with the Elf foundation because of course it was a great price, but it never seemed to stay on all day. I have very red thin skin, so mixing the thick Elf with the smooth True Match seemed to have a medium coverage. Again, love these products, but now that Christmas is rolling around, time to switch it up.... I used a Real Techniques sculpting brush to buff it in.
Step 3: concealer/highlight. My favvvvv concealer has been Maybelline Master Conceal (light) ever since Manny recommended it. I had always used Tarte but I couldn't handle the thickness, though the coverage was definitely full coverage, and I still use it time to time, Maybelline has officially won. I used a Real Techniques beauty blender to push it into the skin, going from the outer corner of my eye to the inside. I also put it in the bridge of my nose (plus around the bottom of my nose) and center of my forehead to begin a highlight. *Though I didn't show, I also used this to prime my eyelids for eyeshadow later... I tapped my finger in the excess concealer under my eyes to use.

Step 4: finishing powder. I again, after Manny's drugstore recommendation, started using Maybelline's Fit Me pressed power (130, buff beige) while using a powder brush to blend all over my face, then using an Elf Blush Brush (I personally think this is the best brush for it because of the pointed bristles rather than for blush), I set my under-eyes with it, as well. Absolutely love this powder!

Step 5: bronzing. I adore Too Faced's Pink Leopard bronzer, not only because of the leopard spots (even if that's majority of why I bought it), the colors mixed together makes such a beautiful and sparkling bronze. I took an Elf Small Stipple Brush to bronze my cheeks, corners of my forehead, and around the bottom of my face under my chin and jawline.

Step 6: contour. I used Elf's contour pallet, it comes with the contour color and a blush color, I never use the blush... and honestly, the contour is a little too dark for my tastes, so with a Morphe M458 brush, I dap it into the contour, then dab it on a paper towel, then continue with my contour. Taking the brush vertical and parallel to the end of my eyebrow to the top of my ear, then turning the brush horizontal and blending it out. I also contour the sides of my nose with the brush vertically again.

Step 7: blush. I've never been a huge blush fan, because my cheeks are so red naturally, but my mother bought this Neutrogena Sheer Highlighting blush (fresh 20) and gave it to me, I actually have been loving it. As you can see, there are several shades of pink, blending together you would think it would be horrid, but it's such a soft pink that you only get a glimpse of it. I applied this with just a generic blush brush.
Step 8: highlight. I have had this liquid highlight since I was tiny, of course never knowing the purpose, it used to be put on like foundation... what was I? This is Josie Maran Argan Illuminizer. I took, literally, a dime size on the back of my hand, then with a beauty blender, softly dabbed it around the top of my cheekbones, center of my nose, and my cupid's bow above my lip.
Step 9: here's the killer: eyeshadow. Using the Morphe 35N pallet, with a mixture of a Morphe B30, Elf professional eyeshadow, Elf professional crease, and Ecotools multi-shadow.
*In the photo:
-transition shade, I mixed the third and forth shade on the bottom with the Morphe B30.

a little below the transition, I mixed the third and forth shade on the top to make a greyish maroon with the same Morphe B30 brush, the leftover transition shades made the color mix evenly.

-in the crease, I took the last black shade on the top... then I went over it with the purple on the third row to lighten it up with the Elf professional crease brush.
-for the overall color, I took Mary Kay's cream eyeshadow (3H23, Metallic Taupe) using Elf professional shadow brush.
-I then took the same grey and maroon mix to shadow the under-eye just below my waterline pressing upwards with the Ecotool's smudge side.
*shew that was a lot to explain, and I bet I let some out....

Step 10: eyeliner. I started with a wing using a Hard Candy Stroke of Gorgeous liquid eyeliner pen (Little Black Dress). Honestly, there is not much explaining for that, because I just go for it each time... You could always use the tape method, but for some reason that messes me up more than helping. I take the liner about halfway through the top of my eyelid and a tiny bit on the edge of my waterline on the bottom. I then took Dolce & Gabbana's Intense Kohl pencil eyeliner (true black) to fill in the rest of the top of my lid and waterline, I actually just got this last night, I work for Dolce & Gabbana and they gave me a sample box with that and the lipstick I'm actually wearing, so this was a new thing. I actually really love it, of course. I normally use NYX gel pencil (jet black). I adore NYX's gel pencil, it is very dark, and that's what I need. It stays majority of the day, wearing glasses, my eyes tend to water and itch more, but it never seems to smear... I'm hoping D&G will do the same!
Step 11: mascara. Better Than Sex by Too Faced mascara will always be a favorite for me. I curl my eyelashes first, then apply the mascara behind the lashes then over top of the lashes. My mom got me Younique fiber mascara a few months ago (apply the gel, then fibers, then gel, continue until you are pleased), but I decided to go for actual falsies today.
Step 12: last but not least, lipstick. I never go without lipstick, my Nannie has always told me, "I'd rather go without panties than lipstick"... you know where I get it. Since I did such a smokey eye, usually lip color doesn't bother me, go all out or go home, but again, since Dolce sent me a sample box, I decided to go ahead and try it out! I don't use liners, but I did overdraw a tad with the nude.

* I skipped brows today because I need them waxed like something awful, so there is not much I can do with them right now......

Hope you liked this little tutorial, type thing! I started this blog solely for fashion and makeup, but I haven't made hardly any... so here's to more beauty!!

Xoxo.

More than a Movement

As I take a break from this cramming of studying this last final, I felt the need to write a post, no, I'm not procrastinating if that's what you're thinking.........

You always here people having their own "movement" or following someone else's "movement". You've probably watched Miley Cyrus's Movement documentary explaining her transition into the crazy self she is or have become obsessed with Justin Bieber's Purpose Movement like I am showing his progress and change... but truly, what is a "movement"?

move-ment; noun
1. an act of changing location or position.

2. group of people working together to advance their political, social, or artistic ideas.

Okay, so maybe the first definition isn't relevant, but the second is what we are going to look further into. "A group of people working together to advance their political, social, or artistic ideas", though it doesn't have to be a group, you can do this on your own. I have started my own, by myself, and my life has completely turned around. I don't expect you to follow my movement, but I encourage you to start your own either by yourself or with a few people and watch the transition of your life.

Let me introduce you to my "movement", this is honestly something I feel very deeply about:

I started this at the beginning of the summer, not only because I had just gotten out of a relationship, but this happening opened my eyes to show me that I truly wasn't living the right way for myself and I was distant from my true "self" because I let everyone else make "me" instead... as I've said before, I was the type of person who let anyone and everyone walk all over me yet apologized for something they did to me. I focused solely on my partner and revolved my decisions around theirs- following what their dreams were while putting mine on the back burner or ignoring mine completely. I filtered anything I said or held back what I wanted/needed to say just to save face or prevent someone being mad at me, I couldn't handle the thought of something thinking badly of me or being mad at me. This is ultimately when the movement began. I was not going to be this anymore. But changing those few things started something more. I decided my life was going to take a 180 and I wasn't going to look back.

People say you can't just wake up one day and be a different person, but somehow, I did, and I was different. I told myself to straighten up. My heart wasn't going to heal if I continued to let it hurt me. I was going to get it all out and move forward. Face it then leave it. That was the first step. I quickly learned that people are going to leave and there is nothing you can do about it, they will have their reasons, let them leave. This lead to more people leaving, more of me closing the door on some, I wasn't going to beg for people to stay in my life... if they wanted to leave, that wasn't my fault, if they only needed me for their own benefits, I wasn't going to be in a one-way friendship. I have ultimately lost a few friends, but I also gained some as well. And that's been great! This continues so often now too, and it truly doesn't bother me. Understand that you will lose people, and it's not selfish to shut the door on them yourself, focus on you, and the right people will come along. Your life changes so drastically day by day that you don't realize, then you look back at the next year and realize how far you have come and how different things have gotten. It's natural. Be okay with it, learn from it. SHUT THE DOOR!

I then decided I wasn't going to filter myself. Honestly, why hold back? It could either go super great, or super bad... but what is stopping me from this risk? Having someone mad at me for a week/losing a friend? Well, we already decided that hasn't bothered me... so might as well. Life is short, and if I never understood that before, I do now, this is the time to say the things needed to be said. Having this filter-free attitude and mouth, I became so much more free. Not only in the sense that I could do what I want, but that I could be myself because I truly didn't have to hold back or bottle things up.  Not only did I come filter-free with my words but with my actions as well. Go for the things you want to do, be with the person you might want to be with, try the things you always wanted to try. Again, what is stopping you from the risk? It won't work, you won't click with the person, or you will "fail"? Cool. But at least you tried. This goes back to my "what if" post... might as well try these things now instead of looking back asking "what if" it would have worked. GO FOR IT!

I started to become care-free with how people treated me or how I treated them, in a way. I lost emotion. This actually hasn't gotten my in trouble, yet, but there is a higher risk. Sure, I can be extremely emotional at times, but compared to where I used to be, this act is beyond rare. Everyone is battling something, yet for some reason society has taught everyone to focus solely on other's flaws instead of their successes or more importantly, THEMSELVES. I am a firm believer on, "how someone treats you is how they view you and view themselves". I also believe in "be treated how you treat others". Of course, my binge watching Gossip Girl gives me the Queen B attitude, but it's the best attitude to have: no one is above you, so don't be treated like you are any worse than anyone else. If you view yourself as a Queen or that you respect and love yourself, sure you might get hate for being confident, but that's what you are: CONFIDENT. You're not bringing others down or letting them bring you down. Focus on you! Who care's what other people think of you, the true people in your life will be supportive no matter how you reveal your true self, the ones who don't aren't supposed to be their anyways. This is the best feature I found. Just last week someone came to me saying that  "people were asking them about me because I was the talk of the town at how I've changed", and honestly, this is the first time something like this has lit me up... why does it matter and why were so many people "talking about me", but then I realized, this is going to happen for the rest of your life, people must not have any other lives than to gossip behind your back instead of coming to you to talk to you about it. Again, focus on yourself because people are going to be ridiculous either way. If you only care for yourself and a few others, you won't be brought down. BE THE TRUE YOU!

Along with the care-free and confidence, I learned that having harsh emotions aren't the way to go. If something does bother you, cool, let it bother you for 2 minutes then move on. There isn't time to be in a bad mood. But if it does, own that bad mood then make it the best mood. This has always been something I have struggled with. Anything and everything got to me. By this, I would get the strongest attitude. And still do. But I've learned you either go full force with your emotions, or you conquer it. If I feel myself getting in a bad mood and decide to stop it, I literally take myself away from everyone, go somewhere else and occupy myself in another activity. I will take my makeup off and start over. I will curl my hair in the middle of the night. I will read a devotional or watch a sermon. I will turn all the lights off and turn my headphones up full volume. I'll even just sit outside and just listen. Now, writing is another option. Once I calm down, I'm completely fine. Over the summer when I was learning what would help me, I got in arguments with my parents about it because they didn't understand. All they saw was the leading up to the calm... the storm before the calm. They saw me just get up and leave or be short with my talking or attitude, but when they called me out for it, it completely broke me. I thought I had done so well for myself and was making so much progress, but no one else saw this progress but me. That hurt. Then it clicked. I was making progress for me... no one else. If others don't understand what I do or how it helps me, that's fine, everyone is different and most people just want you to do the things they want you to do... but that's not how it works. Now, I've learned that sometimes there will be so much piling on top that relaxing may not help, so might as well wear that attitude like your favorite outfit and go for it. Like I said, who cares, be yourself. Everyone has their days, no judgement needed... smile and give them space. OWN IT!

Lastly, I became passionate. I didn't hide what I wanted. I figured out what I wanted and I'm going for it. Again, people are going to judge me for it, but that's not an issue... if they have problems, their only issue is themselves. I found what I love and how to get to where I want to be. I'm not going to stop until I get there. Set a goal and objective and actually do it. Would you rather sit and think "ah that's too much" or would you rather get there and say "ah that wasn't hard" and actually do what you love instead of doing something just because it's available. If that is how everyone lived, nobody on the planet would be happy. That's all that matters in life. BE HAPPY!

These are just a few of my movement steps, but these are the most important. I do feel strongly about this, but the other topics inside my progress may not be the right things to share just yet. All I know is making this change completely flipped my life around and I couldn't be more happy with it. To know that I'm still progressing is such an exciting thing for me, as well, and these keep me going and learning about myself. Now I challenge you to learn about yourself, what makes you... you, and what things help you to succeed in life. Make the change over this holiday break and stick with it and add to it.

Good luck on finals, my loves, and have a safe trip home!

Xoxo.

Thankful this Thanksgiving

It's that time of the year! A time to stuff your face with all the home-cooked meals and not feel bad about it, the time of the year where you are obligated to cheat on your diet if you're on one, the time of the year to see the family you haven't seen since the last major holiday, the time of the year where you plan to attack any other shoppers without any guilt, but have we forgotten the real meaning of Thanksgiving, I mean, it's right there: THANKSgiving. For some reason, we have set a specific date of November 26th to be "thankful" for things in our lives, but shouldn't we be thankful for those things year round!? We also seem to forget some of the things we should be thankful for, we take so many things for granted, that when you truly sit down to think about everything in your life, you fully understand how grateful we actually are.

Here are a few things I am thankful for...

Obviously, my family. They are always there for me, but not because they have to (I mean they lowkey do have to) but because we are just so close. Literally. Maybe too close at times. But that's how it'll always be. They are all my best friends. And for that alone, I am thankful. Parents do things you never fully realize, you just kind of expect. Paying for things. Cooking for you. Laundry when you're home. Taking care of you when you're sick: a few weeks ago, I got terribly sick, my dad heard me from downstairs and hurried upstairs to check on me, but knowing I felt so awful, he layed in bed with me. I got sick again about 45 minutes later, the same thing happened but my mom heard me this time too, both of them came in my room to snuggle and brought me medicine and a cold pack until I was asleep again. I am almost 21 years old and they still cut my food when I ask (and I ask every time, of course). The last time I was home was Halloween (almost a month), and I thought they were going to croak over when I walked in the door... moments like this are ones that really bring you home. My sister and I have always been close as well, she is a little over 4 years older than me, but she has always been like a second mother to me. When we were younger, I decided I wanted to share a room with her instead... so bringing all of my things in at once, I barged in saying, "I'm moving in!", and without hesitation, she continued on her AIM chats and popped the trundle bed up for me and attached it to hers, basically making it one giant bed. I stayed in there for months! She moved into an apartment halfway through her college years, leaving me basically an only child, but when she was away, we kind of lost touch in my eyes, when she moved back things got better, then she got married, and now I feel as if we are closer than we have been. Slumber parties with her are the way to life.

Again, obviously I am thankful for my friends. I have always struggled with friends... not that I had trouble making friends, I had trouble having friends. I was always the type to let anyone and everyone step on me, I would apologize to them for something they did to me just so nobody would be mad at each other and I could keep those friends. But, like I have said before, they weren't actual friends, they wouldn't have done half of the things I did for them. Now I have found those true friends, a whole new set of friends and a few old friends, that truly fit the definition of a real friend. These types of friends see you at every stage in your life and every emotional state in your life, and for some reason continue to stick around. Not only do these people see the front you put on for everyone else, but they see the complete opposite side that you never open up. Not just anyone you can share that type of emotion with, and for that, I am truly happy that I can finally do with these select people. Growing up we thought the more friends we had, the better we were... no no, not even close. Yes, surround yourself with great people, no matter how many that consists of, but having those "right by your side" friendships, that's something that is irreplaceable. Whether they be 2 minutes away from you, 65 miles from you, or 10 states away from you. Whether you talk every day, every few weeks, or every few months. If you can continue these friendships with ease, that's when you have found the match.

My soulmate. Whether that be the man of my dreams that I have yet to meet, or the person/people in my life that are just apart of me that I truly would not be myself without. (Not that I'm going to get into the whole "love" conversation, yet... you'll learn I'm not the best lover of "love") I am thankful for those heartbreaks I have had. The little f-boys that didn't do a thing for me, yet still taught me little things, or the two very special guys in my life that truly broke me yet made me into the person I am today. I would never in a million years have any harsh feelings towards any of these guys, but they all have impacted me in some way, taught me things about myself or "relationships", and will always be connected to me. I am thankful that if I have a soulmate out there, that he is prepared for me (maturity wise, but also because I can be a piece of work...), that he is happy, that he is growing and learning about himself, that he is going for his dreams, and will collide with my path on the way there for me to support the rest of the way while he supports me the same. If he is not out there for me, I am thankful that he isn't. I never want to be one to settle just because it's expected (again, we will continue this conversation in a different post), I am more than happy on my own, I know myself and am growing, I know how to support myself, I am me. And being me, truly me, is what I have found to be one of the most special things to me that I am grateful for.

Morehead State University and my many jobs. I am so thankful to be able to go to a university that I love, and have always wanted to attend. That is my home. Nothing makes me feel more comfortable than the little town and campus of Morehead. It just clicks. I am obsessed with my major and my professors make it that much better, and of course the crazy group of students in my major that share every class with me, they all give me life. We are a mini family, I suppose. But to be able to attend college in general is something I am extremely grateful for, not having a student debt or worrying about not graduating on time or graduating at all, I am beyond blessed. I am also thankful for my jobs. I have always been a work freak, I love to work. I have had some of the best jobs with the best coworkers. I have experienced so many things through each job and learned things from each one that do and don't have to anything to do with the job description whatsoever. I am also thankful for my passions... though this isn't in the realm of school or work, I pray one day that it will be connected in some way. It is a blessing in disguise to me. Being able to indulge myself into these passions and clear my head from anything and everything, or to just have that time to myself doing something that makes me... me. One day, if and when I can turn these passions into work, that day will truly be a grateful day. I cannot wait!

Things that we take for granted that we should alllll be thankful for, are the things that we don't even notice. Breathing. Walking. Talking. Hearing. Seeing (even with glasses like myself). Smelling. Tasting. Touching. Writing. Reading. Honestly, I am thankful right now that I have strep/bronchitis... that means I am alive... that means that my body is working how it should and that it's now fighting off illness. I am thankful I am able to wake up each morning (or afternoon when I sleep in) and be able to do these things without a second thought. So many people out there have difficulties doing these things, but even then, they are doing it in some way, that is a blessing.

Last, but not least, and honestly, the most important. Best for last, I should say. God. I am so thankful that I was raised in a home where God was present. Where lessons were taught. Where God was the center. I had always been taught that God was my savior, do right by Him with your relationship with Him and you will enter into Heaven, what we were all taught, right? But it wasn't until I was 17 when I truly felt God near. When I heard Him speak the first time. I am a very distracted child of God, which isn't great, but honestly, most of us are. We have to learn and understand slowing down to listen to Him and learn. We get distracted by outside things... we fall more towards society than standing out. We don't listen to God when He speaks, then get mad when we need Him and He is silent. I have seen what it's like to live and walk with God, and I have also seen what being set off the path can do, as well. Yes, it is hard to stay on track all the time. But making a little change day by day and continuing to grow in your relationship with Him will make a complete difference in your life. That is what I am thankful for. That He can see how distracted I can get, forgive me for that, and continue to guide me and bless me with the things I have.  

Now that I have shared just a few of my most thankful things in life, this holiday season, when wearing your eating britches, stuffing your face, slashing shoppers, or just spending time with the family... truly think about the things you are thankful for. Learn what everyone else is thankful for. Throughout the year continue to do this. Continue to grow into the person you need to be, and be something that someone will be thankful for too.

See you soon!

Xoxo.

"What If..."

It's 10 am, I'm dancing around in my messy bun, oversized t-shirt, underwear, and tall socks in my one bedroom studio apartment near the city. Time to get ready for work as I put on my ripped jeans, blazer, Louboutins, and a Michael Kors bag and watch with my smokey eye makeup and nude lips, when I hear a knock on the door to see my Chuck Bass businessman boyfriend standing there in his work suit with a cup of white chocolate moca for me to start my day, leaving giving me his Daniel Grayson wink. I go to work at the high fashion and beauty company, walk into my all white and dark grey office, and begin my work in PR and/or Event Planning for the company itself. Phones ringing, planners packed, computer keys on fire from typing, and running back and forth to events or deals is how I spend my day. It's time to go back home, or to meet my Chuck Bass/Daniel Grayson boyfriend for a romantic dinner or a quiet night on the town, my night is ended with candles lit and a molten chocolate lava cake, of course. My life is a perfect little movie.

Okay okay okay, so maybe none of that was true, and maybe I went a little too far with the boyfriend or the Louboutins, but hey, it's my fantasy, right? But "what if" that were to happen. It's my dream, so why don't I go for exactly that?

I've always been too much of a dreamer to where I can't even grasp my own reality at times and live solely for what I want and expect my life to be like. I blame most of this on my tv shows I am always going to be committed to, Gossip Girl and Revenge (as you can tell by my boyfriend in the clip above. In some cases having this warped reality helps me to get over things in my actual reality, but sometimes it makes it harder to accept that those things I base my "life" on are not even remotely real. Yet. I am a firm believer on "if you want it, go for it" rather than "timing is everything" or "it will come to you if it is for you". You always hear people say "nothing is impossible", and you want to believe that but for some reason something holds you back. Yourself. You put it in your mind that you have to do something a certain way or that things are too big to go for or even just the fact that you should be "realistic"... that's what I always tell myself. It shouldn't be that way. "What if" has always been a term we have used: "What if" this would happen. "What if" I didn't do that. "What if" that were me. "What if". "What if". "What if". But why don't we turn those "what if's" into "I did". Savannah Chrisley (if you don't watch Chrisley Knows Best, you are highly missing out, they are my all time favorite family after the Kardashians, of course. Such a cute and humble southern family with zero filter, literally want their life too) posted this morning, "It's better to look back on life and say "I can't believe I did that", instead of looking back saying, "I wish I did that".". I completely agree with her post. Because it's true. Why would you want to go through life hoping and wishing you had the life you had dreamed about when you are fully capable of having exactly that. Like I had said before, in the book I was reading, "You are a Badass", Jen Sincero talks about how the only thing holding you back from being completely open and ready for life itself is your subconscious mind. It will tell you that something isn't right or isn't possible or worth it, when in reality, it's just because either something in your past told you it wasn't or you have never been exposed to it so you believe it's not real. This is ridiculous to me. Once I read this book, changed my lifestyle, and started living my own life, I truly believe things are possible for me. Sometimes I get discouraged with myself and drop those dreams like a hot rock, but I always pick them back up. That's when you know you want something. Yes, things may be harder to get by, but nothing will just come to you at ease, especially if it's something you want badly enough. That's the beauty in it. Working for things is definitely a process, but the achievement that you make is ultimately the icing on the cake. You worked for it. You earned it. You deserved it. People will always try to change your mind or bring you down, but if that's their purpose in your life, they shouldn't be apart of your life anyways. I'm telling you right now that you are capable of having what you want and will be beautiful working for it. Be passionate.

One of my biggest pet peeves includes when people get handed everything. Yes, I have been blessed with many things I never earned, but when it comes to things such as this, a career or lifestyle you dream of, I believe working for it is the satisfaction you should want to earn yourself. Have help alone the way, sure, but is it really that rewarding to just be given the world? Okay, I won't lie, if I had that opportunity, of course I would take it, but build upon that. Make it greater. Never have the "what if", keep succeeding.

So, my challenge for you, my readers, is to think this week about what your "what if's" have been, why they are "what if's" and figure out how to make that change into "I did" or "I will". Make a goal... write out every detail of what you want in that goal... make an objective within the next few weeks, few months, or few years... make a plan... set that plan... and start working towards it. Be specific.

God is always going to be your guide, trust in Him.

Have a wonderful and safe weekend, my dolls!

Xoxo.

Makeup/Motivation Monday!

"When you are putting on your makeup, it's like you're an artist. But instead of painting on a canvas, you're painting a face" -Burlesque.

Not only is that a quote from my favorite movie, but it is my favorite passion. I have become so interested and amazed with the power of makeup as an art as well as learning the techniques and differences in products... you become who you want to appear as. This goes along with clothing as well. Fashion is also one of my passions.

"How you present yourself is how you will be addressed."

Growing up, I never had a "hobby" or a "passion", yeah I cheered through school, but I didn't extend my career like most athletes... I was never into skateboarding, magic, excessive reading, video games... nothing. It started to really bother me to the point where it became a trigger of my depression. But I found my passion when college came around... out of nowhere, and it grew rapidly. I became obsessed. Fashion and makeup is all I could think of, it also turned out to be my safe haven when something was bothering me or when I just couldn't sleep or focus on anything else. So, I decided to hit full speed, because why wouldn't you when you truly love something? I decided to do my research, played around with what I had to teach myself, watch YouTube makeup artist videos (become obsessed with these artists to where I think they are my biffs, yeah..), threw all of my makeup away and got all new products (this made my boyfriend at the time furious, but you gotta do whatcha gotta do, right?). Some might think this is a silly passion, or it's not even a passion at all... but it's my motivation. I am aware that I'm not the best at what I do, but I'm working towards it. I am still learning, I will always be learning and that excites me! I care about what I wear, I care about how I appear, not for other's opinions, but for my personal satisfaction. I get made fun of for dressing up everyday to my college classes or wearing a full face of makeup everyday or being a devoted reader of my fashion magazines; cutting articles and photography out or having Pinterest board full of my fashion fantasies, but through this I've realized that this is what I want to fully do in life. They always say "make a career out of something you love and you'll never work a day in your life", so here I come!

If you find something you love, go for it! Who caresssss about what people think, who caresssss if you believe it's far fetched, nothing is far fetched if you really set your mind to it. You can always do anything you truly want to. I am a firm believer of this. Find out how to get there and focus on only that. People always ask why I'm single or they are confused when I say I'm not interested in looking for a partner or even want one, it's because of this reason alone... I am finally focused on me, getting to where I want to be, and not stopping until I get there. I'm bad about putting too much into others and only depending on them for happiness or success, let me tell you right now, you do notttt need someone to provide happiness or help reach success for you, you are a strong individual with a great head on your shoulders- make yourself happy and go for whatever it is in life, don't go looking for someone, once you are on the right track and making progress, the perfect person for you will just appear! This is something I also truly believe in. Haven't found your passion yet? That's completely fine too, it'll come to you, but you have to get out there- try new things- explore outside of your cell phone or laptop- be content with yourself- FIND YOURSELF and LOVE YOURSELF!!! If you can't love yourself, no one else can. Surround yourself with *positive people, negativity is such a toxic factor that will instantly pull and tug at you no matter if you fall into it or not.

I want to give a shoutout to the people who have supported me so much through this and motivated me to follow it and to truly become myself, stay myself, and grow into who I want/need to be; my wonderful parents, my amazing sister, my roommate and bestfriend Aubry Prow, my bestfriend and motivator Kayla Ray (www.glitternsweettea.com), my hometown bestfriends Alli Rogers and Genevieve Nuon, and of course my makeup artist idols; Jaclyn Hill, Manny, and Casey Holmes for teaching me that makeup is an art and to always be yourself no matter what the case and to follow your dreams because there is a way. (and to Cameron Dallas and Justin Bieber for being my lovely boyfriends keeping me happy with their existence and distracting me from reality..... same).

Have a great week, lovelies, make this week YOUR week.

See you tomorrow, maybe?

Xoxo.

...

I know I have been absent for a while, maybe not as long as I should be away honestly, but then again maybe writing will help...

I've been lost. No, not physically lost to where I don't know my location, but mentally and emotionally lost to where I don't know where I stand in this moment. This isn't the first time I've been "lost", but I was starting to believe I was finally "found". I had found who I am (or wanted to be), I had surrounded myself with positive people, I found passion and happiness from something other than a person, I was content, I was successfully moving forward... or so I thought. Was this all just fake, a mask? Was I leading myself to think I was better than I was? Or was it just too much at once? Things are fuzzy. Things are dark. Things are cold. Things are just... not there. Nothing specific sparks these changes, but all of a sudden it hits like a cemi, and that's what has overcome me. I truly don't have anything to be upset over or that would truly hurt me, I am sooo thankful for the things I have in life. God has blessed me. Yet I still seem to be blinded at times.

I got a stomach bug last weekend that made me feel miserable. I was home with my family when this illness struck, but I began to feel anxiety from being home instead of back at school in case I did start to feel better for classes. Of course, when I got back to school, I felt content again... until the illness struck again... That's when the dark cloud came over me. As I was sitting on the bathroom floor, on the phone with my Mama, tears were flooding from my eyes. I felt alone. I didn't want to be sick by myself without their help, without anyone's help. Even if I wasn't sick, I was just alone... even when i wasn't. This dark cloud hovering over me became a person sitting with me on that bathroom floor. All I could hear was it talking to me... telling me how alone I am, showing me I'm worthless, replaying my mistakes, informing me that I in fact don't have my life together like my warped reality thinks I do- and yes I do have a warped reality, reminding me that I'm not who I think I am, comparing me to so many others, and pressuring me to self harm. Why was I allowing this evil to come over me? Screaming and crying to God to be with me, protect me, heal me, and mask this voice, I was still distracted. He sent people in form of Him; my best friend texting me from home and my roommate knocking on the door until I answered then holding me she came in, but I couldn't let them in all the way. I couldn't be negative to anyone else to vent or seek help. I tried to laugh, listen to music, do anything to clear this hate, but something wouldn't let me. Finally, I went outside to sit on the porch getting some fresh air, thoughts still rolling in my mind, at some point I fell asleep.

The next day, I told myself to shape up. Why am I being this. I'm ridiculous. This is exactly who I was getting away from during my change. I dressed up, put my heels on, took time on my makeup, and was set for the day. Did this help? Eh, more like made it worse... I was faking it, I was putting pressure on myself to not show or feel pain... I ultimately became numb instantly. The shadow followed me wherever I went. I must have faked it quite well, considering almost everyone around me couldn't see my hurt and complained that I wasn't giving them the attention and conversations that I should be giving. I did have the two or three that saw through my front and continued to bring me strength, but I couldn't stand back up... can't stand back up. I have always been one to cater to everyone else's needs before my own, but of course, my "queen" side took over for a while saying I wouldn't be walked all over and my happiness would be priority... unfortunately that never set in all the way. Am I being selfish for wanting to heal myself on my own and own time? Am I being selfish for wanting to detach for a little while? Am I selfish for wanting to be my own priority?

Music has always been my healer, I put myself in the artist's position but also connect it to my own life. The song of the week that seems to help me in this situation is from the *love of my life, Justin Bieber's I'll Show You. As I was sitting on that cold bathroom floor, the words were flowing through my veins. I know I'm not perfect, and no one expects me to be, other than myself... I compare and strive to be better... but the stress knocks me back down. I'm a careless perfectionist. I make myself straighten up so no one knows that I'm hurting or out of the norm, but hiding hurts more than facing the pain when it comes at you... don't ignore it, conquer it.

I'm not writing this to vent at you, like I said, I hate people knowing I'm out of the norm or being negative... I'm explaining why I haven't been active. I do wish any of you who suffer from this, or anything near it, realize that it is okay to relapse if you need to. You won't know how long it will last, or what the conditions may be, but this won't make you weak. I am still learning this and trying to understand it. I am always here if someone, anyone, needs me, I may not know exactly how to fix things for other people, but I do know how to be your company. Please don't hesitate. We are in this together.

Sorry for the dark post, trust me, the next ones won't be this way. Stay tuned!

Xoxo.

My life is a movie
And everyone's watchin'
So let's get to the good part
And past all the nonsense

Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing
When the pressure's coming down like lightning
It's like they want me to be perfect
When they don't even know that I'm hurting

This life's not easy
I'm not made out of steel
Don't forget that I'm human
Don't forget that I'm real
You act like you know me
But you never will
But that's one thing that I know for sure

Source: http://www.directlyrics.com/justin-bieber-ill-show-you-lyrics.html

I'll Show You; Justin Bieber

My life is a movie
And everyone's watchin'
So let's get to the good part
And past all the nonsense

Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing
When the pressure's coming down like lightning
It's like they want me to be perfect
When they don't even know that I'm hurting

This life's not easy
I'm not made out of steel
Don't forget that I'm human
Don't forget that I'm real
You act like you know me
But you never will
But that's one thing that I know for sure

Source: http://www.directlyrics.com/justin-bieber-ill-show-you-lyrics.html

My life is a movie, and everyone's watching. So let's get to the good part, and past all the nonsense. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing when the pressures coming down like lightning. It's like they want me to be perfect when they don't even know that I'm hurting. This life's not easy, I'm not made out of steel. Don't forget that I'm human, don't forget that I'm real. Act like you know me, but you never will, but that's one thing that I know forsure.. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you...

I gotta learn things, learn them the hard way. to see what it feels like no matter what they say. Sometimes its hard to do the right thing when the pressures coming down like lightning. It's like they want me to be perfect when they don't even know that I'm hurting. This s not easy, I'm not made out of steel. Don't forget that I'm human, don't forget that I'm real. Act like you know me, but you never will, but that's one thing that I know forsure... I'll show you, I'll show you, I'll show you, I'll show you.